Branding

A brand is a name, sign, symbol, slogan or anything that is used to identify and distinguish a specific product, service, or business.

So you see this PYT post pics of herself on FB ok ? And in some of them you see her flashing a smile and inadvertently there is bound to be at least one comment which says “ Modeling for Colgate - close up  / whatay close up smile and the likes” You read it right. Not happy dent, not wrigley’s not any of those atrocious brands of gum or paste good ol’ Colgate/Close Up. Word.

That dear Sirs and Ladies is the power of branding and product recall value. Of course I don’t know how much of this brand recall value translates into sales though. Will need a MBA or will have to pore through sales/marketing reports. Yawn. 

p.s. the above observation is applicable only if you grew up India in the 90’s watching Doordarshan and STAR TV.

So this Telugu dude I happen to know has nothing better to do than post pics of him wearing a yellow shirt on FB. And soon the inundation of feedback follows. “Telugu Desam huh !” brand.    

p.s. the above observation is applicable only if you watch TV-9 Telugu or Telugu movies or all things Telugu in general.

From V’s FB feed

On Twitter : @RGVzoomin so what wud be a definition of settled people according to you ? RGV replies 'dead'. LMAO!! Best answer ever and my answer too. ("when will you settle?"...."when will you settle?"...dick heads..there is no settlement in life. Life is like river, you flow, you can never settle.)

p.s. as if life dint present many issues to muse about I am leeching stuff off  FB. haha. pathetic.

a chance encounter with a wall street trader

Circa 2008 I was an pamphlet distribution boy for a Long Island event management firm. So one of the events I did was the IIT North America Alumni reunion held at a swanky hotel in Times Square. I was doing my usual stuff: eating all the good food relentlessly , picking up freebie t-shirt's and pens, clicking self portraits etc etc you get the picture right ? So I met this guy from some company, TRC methinks. He looked so south Indian like me, so I took a guess he must be from Chennai; and I was right. Me and this guy hit it up pretty well. We chatted about state of life in general when he said he graduated from IIT-M and was now a trader on wall street. My jaw hit the floor. He asked me what I did. I replied. His jaw hit the floor.

of Jug Suraiya and the Jugular Vein

Circa 10th grade when I sill used to read Deccan Chronicle dad once got me an in-flight copy of the times of India, New Delhi – Sunday edition. Giving Times of India to a kid surviving on DC was showing him what wonders lay beyond the confines of  newsprint monopoly. This copy dad gave me I thoroughly read end to end, when I came across Jugular Vein. Mr. Suraiya had written something about a tree. I guffawed as I read.  And that’s the first time I laughed reading a newspaper article. I pestered dad to get me TOI he refused because it had too much inappropriate exposing and all. I finally was able to convince him to at least get the Sunday edition. He relented when I pointed out that in a few years I will have to go out into the corporate world and my vocab had to be at least 10,000 words strong; The Hindu though doing a good job I found was far too sophisticated (I have never read the editorial till date) for a kid in 10th class; TOI was cool.

Mr. Jug Suraiya’s writing was so funny, precise, spot on and loaded with witticism+sarcasm. And he never used any arcane or indecipherable  words (at least I dint find any) So when I started scribbling small notes behind my workbooks during math class I would try to imitate his style. I never knew how good a job I did of copying him but it was an escapist pleasure; I would write some stuff, take up a newspaper clipping of the Suraiya’s writing, place them end to end and see if I came anywhere close. A teacher once saw me doing this and thought I was writing some sleaze stories. haha.

Years have passed since those first notes to myself and I haven’t followed the Jugular Vein as much as I would have wanted to. Today, as I was tied down in my cubicle staring at post it’s some short story struck me along with how I used to dedicate whole Sunday afternoons to only reading the news paper. One thought led to an another and eventually landing at the Google homepage. Did a little bit of searching and lo the good folks at TOI have placed the Jugular Vein in nice type face at http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articlelist/19865420.cms

I am going to make full use of my laserjet printer now. Or PDF them and read away on the IPad.

Fire Fighter

That’s the job title I would like my future visiting card to read. Fire Fighter ?? Yes, but not the kind who wears jackets and fights physical infernos/blazes but rather a guy in a dapper suit who know how to brow beat problems; kind of like a fixer or a Chanakya. But why this sudden revelation ? Induced by quarter life crisis ? No, not really. I was in deep pondering the other day at Burger King wearing my paper crown hat speculating what that one thing was at which made me unique and a valuable asset for a team or an organization.In a  much bad coffee guzzling and burger stuffing induced haze it dawned upon me that I was good at so many things; mitigating risks, staying calm when shit’s hitting the fan, coming up with  solutions to a given crisis from every possible angle, ability to look beyond fields and domains, comb and combine knowledge from these different spheres of learning, predicting exact outcomes related to work and people (though I suck at calculating mathematical probability), connecting and disconnecting with people… yada yada yada. All these qualities, if you will read through again, are constitutional in fire fighters. ‘Paramedics and similar adrenaline gushing jobs also match the description’ did I hear you say out aloud ? But come on.. are they as fancy sounding as a Fire Fighter ?      

We're in hell right now gentlemen. Believe me. And we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time. - Tony D'Amato, Any Given Sunday (1999)

Foot note:  just saw Kick-Ass. An out and  out super cool and super bad ass movie. \m/ To quote a reviewer on IMDB When Spiderman and Kill Bill were put into a blender and Kick-Ass was the end result. oh, oh before I forget i give it brownie points for playing I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation (- Joan Jett And The Blackhearts) when Mindy Macready / Hit-Girl goes on an all out killing spree.

What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one.
You're the pretender
What if I say that I'll never surrender?

of a star wars tshirt and other tales

So I was on another one of my spirit walks around NYC sporting this black star wars tshirt i recently bought at a garage sale (hey hey I am on a budget) when around federal plaza a guy on a skateboard came up to me and stood blocking my way. In NYC when this happens, you better get into the  krav maga stance; but come on, me and Israeli street wrestling, fat chance. So I looked haplessly at the strapping  6’4 guy in a goth tee with a goatee and prepared for my worst nightmare meanwhile looking for escape routes. He waited for me to unplug my apple earphones then breaks into a smile and says “ dude I am one of the biggest star wars fans in east Manhattan; if not the biggest. I have taken it upon myself to click any object referencing the movies. So if you stand still and I will proceed to click.” See my mind doesn’t run on your normal frequency. while he was talking I was looking around to see if some one would sneak up behind and stun me (it was a deserted plaza after all) noticing no one i gave one of those awkward I may shit any moment smiles as he pulled out his HTC touch and clicked away and thanked me. I just ran. literally.  i run rarely. I just hope and pray he was serious about collecting pictures of starwars fans, because i don’t want my smiley face photoshopped onto some porn star; it’s marriage season after all.

I was at the Armani Exchange store checking out the clearance section when a lady walked up to me and asked me if I worked there. I blushed. The people who work in Armani Exchange stores look like models straight out of fashion mag.

While I was flipping through winter wear at Banana Republic an old lady picked up a sweat shirt and began placing it on my back, trying to gauge the fit for her old man,son, lover or wotever,  with out even saying please or sorry. People seem to be taking me for granted. He is brown what can he possibly be mad about, is it ?

Recently at office we had one of these free lunches and I invited myself. As I neared the food table and began helping myself a lady came up and got excited “ that’s beef !!! you Indian’s don’t eat beef right ? Because if you eat it you are condemned to hell! Sorry sir, Not on my watch.” me: “Lady chill. Pass me the hot dog will you ?” epic pawnage occurred.

I tried eating a dollop wasabi the other day, again. I had a near death experience, again.

Some one at work recently praised my design work. To which my Boss said “he was just fooling around.”

On these long alone walks I have been taking of late I hardly seem to sit anywhere. It’s like my legs are some kind of perpetual machine that seem to only want to pound the pavement. And no sweat breaking’s occurring! But I always overshoot the I want to sit down someplace, watch people, read a book, write some stuff goal :( Walking is a drug which seems to have the only purpose of improving my cardio vascular functions.

People the workplace are warming up to my class of snide humor. Someone actually complimented me saying “ that’s very funny” and my sarcasm radar din’t even blip.

So I was hanging out with the Sql Developers in my office; more for the haleem and less for the gyaan. Everyone was eating happily and looked at me strangely when I dipped my spoon into the haleem pot, to cut the tension I said “a Sql query walks into a bar, sees two tables and asks may I join you ? ” laughs were heard and my intrusion was forgotten.

Networking helps. food wise. Like every time I go to apna bazaar and this particular aunty is manning the counter she gives me free samosas because she thinks I am from New Delhi. I am not complaining.      

The office recently hired a ‘professional’ designer and I had to send him my psd files so that he could work on them. The bugger had an aol email address. 50 failed attempts latter I vented to the boss “ I refuse to work with someone who has an aol email address even today” Needless to say he got the contract and the 10 grand.    

The other day I was very sleep deprived when I had a series of life changing revelations via short dreams that seemed to populate my mind like advertisements. My whole life and it’s under lying conflict flashed in just under 30 seconds. Will elucidate on that latter.  

The ipod play button has been stuck on this song for the past two weeks (which is remarkable considering my short attention span and passable interest in music) this song makes me want to dance, but..

Have a Nice Day :)

my regular movies for a Friday evening

 

 

 

 

 

 

of insomnia and the crazies

Insomnia has held a vice like grip on me since time immemorial. All that pawsh talk about being a night owl and all, is bull crap. It’s like a dead weight pressing down on my day today waking consciousness. And all this sleep deprivation doesn’t show up at work courtesy 10 cups of coffee or green tea. I am hitting Travis Bickle like stage now, where the mind starts acting all crazy giving me ideas like roaming the streets alone at midnight seeking incomprehensible thrills and all. I am so angry at myself I could sleep myself to death, alas. Worse comes to worse I may have to get a prescription for sleeping pills or an unlimited supply of nyquil. The rest of the guys in my room are so lucky, the moment their heads hit the pillow they are off to slumber. sigh.  

Improv

So I was getting all bored and depressed on a Saturday evening when on a whim I decided I would watch a live stand up comedy thingee. But the catch was, I dint want to spend like 20 bucks and if  the show dint live up to my expectations I wud never watch any form of live comedy again. Yes, I sometimes am so anal about first impressions (esp. when it involves money) Googled around a bit, narrowed down to 2 options upright citizens brigade or magnet Theatre. UCB was the most highly rated one so  gave it a miss, for now. (though it had actors from ‘30 Rock’ on today)   Magnet has this signature comedy segment - 4 Track.

4TRACK is a New York based improv comedy group featuring George Basil, Frank Campanella, Christian Capozzoli, and Matt Evans. 4Track is one of Magnet Theater's signature shows. From a single suggestion, 4TRACK delivers huge characters, high stakes, bold risks and big energy to make a show that is daring, truthful and brutally funny.

So I arrived promptly 10 mins before show time, the beers were super cheap, the environment superbly bonhomie. I have never been to an improv show so i was completely clueless as to what to expect; which was a good thing because I was totally blown away for the next 40 minutes. They did some howlarious sketches on celebrities, drunk chicks, exes, gays, tanning, skanks, plants and many more. One thing is for sure I am going to be a regular here for the near foreseeable future.

A yelp reviewer put it the best way : Magnet is where New Yorkers in the know go for a good laugh that doesn't break the bank or obligate you to drink unless you care to.

p.s. watch out for Alan Fessenden. He’s a riot.

What grinds my gears

Quit it you ‘the’ people, saying out aloud  oh my gawd I wish I worked for google because this old vid of their work place (making rounds now via fb wall posts) made me come in my pants. Yes google kicks ass. I am a google fanboy. So what if Google takes branaic’s and I was not called for that job in the HR division; but you ‘the’ people who seem to whining (and are some of the smartest kids I’ve known), incredulously work for some of the biggest names in tech, finance and telecom. The perks offered at mountain view are a  deal clincher/life changer now?  seriously? But I ain’t complaining about my job though, for the compassionate soul I am,  whenever I get all sad and depressed I visit the ER. ER is where the pain is, period. I walk out a changed man and thank Sai Baba for my plump health and insurance coverage.

So yes, Google has an awesome work place,so does facebook, apple, twitter and all other software sperm that exploded out of silicon valley. I want to work on cutting edge/world changing technologies did I hear you say ? flash..flash..breaking news, you will not work on those technologies, ever. So take a moment, breath in, suck it all up, now look at those yellow post it’s on the walls surrounding your cubicle. Get back to work now. No,seriously. There are pivot tables to be made, graphs drawn, data to be mined, flowcharts sketched, flashy powerpoint presentations to be copied, memos to be sent out. Chop chop go bill atrocious amounts of money for your company and feed the capitalistic juggernaut. You gotta risk it for the biskit.   

In any event, if you are a product of America's public school system, you may very well have asked yourself, as I once did: "What have I learned in my twelve years of school that will help me get a job?" That's certainly an interesting question, but, strangely enough, the answer is far less important than the question itself. For that question reveals a mindset that has been instilled in America's children by our public education system, by conventional wisdom, and, in all probability, by almost every student's parents for generations. Namely: Get an education, get a job, work hard, buy a house, save for the future, and someday you will be able to retire and live happily ever after. That mindset, according to this book's author, has doomed generations of Americans to a lifetime of hard work with little chance success, leading many to someday ask themselves: "Why is it that I have a good education and work hard at my job, but I never seem to be able to get ahead?" The answer, again according to this author, is that, despite the fact that America is a capitalist society, our public schools only train our children to be good employees, good soldiers, professionals, and small business owners, but teach them nothing about money and finance or how to properly invest and prosper in a capitalist system. - Marvin D. Pipher reviews Robert T. Kiyosaki's Rich Dad's Conspiracy of the Rich  

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The lightness of it all

coming up with entry titles is a chore in itself ! and this one is not a ruse for drawing you into some metabolism and BMI related banter. So yea, the ADHD therapy sessions with my doc have kicked off on a fine footing with me reading up a ton on the matter (the empowered patient haha) and interrupting the doc frequently midway in his sentences and ending with him saying “you know what? you’re untreatable” haha. But it was a good catharsis nonetheless. We indulged in some History of Present Illness, detailed study of my childhood behavior (like me eating mud, crappy handwriting, the time i pissed in my pants, the oppositional defiant disorder [ODD] and arbit stuff not of much interest to you the causal reader) So according to the doc I may have outgrown my ADHD and maybe some of those traits have carried into my adulthood; but more immediate concern to him was that I may have Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and a few traits of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). He says I may be a goldmine of undiagnosed mental problems and that one of his research assistants to monitor me closely. As a parting advice he told me not to worry too much by magnifying issues and consume less cheese cake. But now I understand why therapists are so highly paid here; you tell them stuff you wouldn’t probably talk to yourself about;and they are like a sponge absorbing it all patiently and knocking some sane advice.

Back home sitting on the front porch with a cool breeze flowing I put up my legs on the fence. It’s such a relief. Legs need rest and pampering period. I begin laughing out aloud remembering funny scenes from sitcoms and all. Roomie comes by, shrugs seeing me lost in my own world; murmurs something to the effect of “poor guy has lost it.” pats my back in fatherly concern and goes to pee.

The thing about jokes or scenes only you seem to visualize and laugh out aloud is so awesome. It’s like this inner private world to which only you have access.

Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up - Pearl S. Buck 

When I was this aloof kid in school my only hobby was building imaginary cities in my head, coming home and translating that  dream city into a structural reality using shoe boxes and discarded cartons. Our whole balcony was encroached by my megapolis. I used to make additional improvements everyday like crazy. A vertical shoe box would be a tower,a horizontal one a staff quarters, black socks laid end to end would be tar roads, my hot wheels cars would ferry people in and out of my city and all. My brother who was always a sports guy seemed to be fascinated by my indoor constructional hobby and would beg me to let him build. Being the snotty kid I was, I  bluntly refused. So one day when I had built my latest masterpiece and gone out to do homework he lit a candle that I had put up as a street lamp. Corrugated cardboard boxes + flame = you do the combustion chemistry. In 30 mins thick smoke started coming out from the room. My parents freaked out; my dream died. Looking back now methinks if I had seriously pursued my urban planning jig, I may have very well been India’s Donald Trump. haha.

So back to where I was laughing out aloud on the front porch. I just kept laughing.

Because life ain’t so bad if you have something to laugh about at the end of the day :) 

The two bleeding travelers lay besides each other, telling funny tales waiting for death to tide over.

p.s. one of these days I am seriously contemplating taking book& pen, sitting by the majestic NY waterfront, spend the whole day doodling/scribbling. Getting distracted by the hoi polloi and creatively inspired at the same time ;)

In between things

Green Tea. Three months since I’ve been sipping it. Tried the caffeine and decaf versions. Not much difference felt. Too much can make pee smell herbal. Tried Jamaican ginger tea, Korean ginseng and Japanese peppermint teas as well. The first night I had Peppermint tea I fell into a deep slumber tried again the second night ended staying awake for 48 hours.
Brown Rice. What’s the big deal it’s all carbs anyway.
Broccoli. Salted,unsalted,boiled,raw. it’s all the same to me.  
Flax seeds. Blue berries. oats.Honey. Probiotic yogurt = metabolism boost.
Foot long Tuna Sandwiches.Guilty pleasure.Stinks up the mouth and the cubicle.
Cheese danish. french culler. eat. feel happy and sad at the same time.
Bud light. fried chicken. My Friday nights.
Metrocards.still keep losing them on a regular basis.
Marriage.parents are pumped. i am stumped.
Paychecks. More taxes to pay unless i get married soon.    
Single.loving every moment of it.
TV.Mad Men. Freaks and Geeks. Futurama. Weeds. Breaking Bad.Till death. Human Giant. ad infinitum.
Walking. therapeutic and new parks in NYC every weekend. Taking Manhattan one avenue at a time.
Photography. Rahul’s D60 is being put to good use.
Reading. Diversified into fiction, non fiction and religion. Slim chance of reaching the 50 books target by year end.
Credit cards. APR’s are financially raping me.
Stock portfolio. may pick up stake in some cloud server company.
work.is fine.
friends. on and off.
weight. sinusoidal curve.
height.truncated trunk.
India.December 2010.
radio. slacker radio ftw.
bed bugs. a war with no end in sight.
August. less sun. no chill. just perfect. 
sleep.now.

Dog Day Afternoons

So after eighteen months of acting like the aam desi aadmi and merging seamlessly into the organizational fabric at work, yours truly has made some observations worth putting on blog.

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” ~  Drew Carey 

Any company has this mathematical factorial like chain of command. The President is at the top of the ecosystem flanked by the COO, CFO and the CIO. The COO and CFO over look a board of Vice Presidents. And the VP’s preside over a group of Department Chairmen. The Chairmen boss over Managers. The Managers over Administrative Assistants. And the AA’s over Interns like me. My camouflage was perfect. I would occupy the last row of seats  during meetings, park my ass near the condiments table, helping myself to coffee and cookies and no one would as much lift their eyebrows hearing my hush puppies leather shoes squeak on the floor. I was invisible.

As an Intern I am supposed to act all intelligent and nerdy by taking down copious notes on regulation and policy, make minutes and do a mail blast.  I would open up a notepad to religiously take notes; start with a few intelligent observations like ‘at the current rate our panel size will grow by an additional 1000 members this necessitates an increase in the number of providers, faster eligibility verification systems etc etc  get bored just in time for ADHD to kick in, resulting in drawing captcha doodles and sex cartoons. And I seem to be getting pretty good at animal anatomy sketching. Sorry that I digress too often. You know It’s this neural condition I have, ADHD. No it’s not a STD per se but fucks up your brain anyway by not letting it focus psychic energies on one particular thing or goal. Like I may be having sex and thinking about eating butter scotch ice cream at the same time. ADHD is a bitch because it makes you think you are a multi-tasker and all but no. it’s a general misconception the same way safe days for sex during the cycle is. And I am medically diagnosed with ADHD as of yesterday and am getting the best possible treatment from my shrink. Because you know people with my condition are an organizational hazard and have to be medically declared unfit before being laid off without a severance package.

Have you met my friend Ryan btw? No ? The three regular readers of this blog: myself, that  anonymous dude and the spammer bots have seen his name mentioned in some of the psycho and passively violent short sketches on this blog. So yea Ryan and me were clerks at this gas station cum grocery store in rural Louisiana. Yes, I was in Louisiana for some six months in 2009. My life had hit a low and NYC was haunting me with phantoms; pumping gas and restocking coolers with beer seemed therapeutic. Ryan Thomas was my Tyler Durden. And he spoke exactly the same way: ‘All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.’  So anyway the life and times of Ryan Thomas is a different tale with a sorry ending; more on that latter.

So a brief treatise on how the top dogs roll.

canto 1 :

Chain of command. The chief has a problem with his login. It doesn’t seem to be going through. So what does he do? Normal people would hit backspace and retype the password but not the chief because he is the chief. He picks up his blackberry pronto and calls the CIO and yells “Your systems are crap. Your guys are crap. I can’t login to my account.” The CIO seems to be in the midst of a nature call and replies “Let me patch you through to my help desk guys they can help you.” Chief to help desk guy “Are you competent enough to fix my problem ?” systems guy “trust me Sir, I am an Indian.”  “So Sir is the caps lock key light on your keyboard ON ? ” Chief  “eh. what about it ? yes it is. You know what, I don’t have time for all this crap. I pay your department to have my systems up and running when ever I need them not for me to check if some light is illuminated and crap. Remote login to my computer and fix this problem now.” Systems guy: “ Sir please hit caps lock and see that the light goes off. Now retype your password and you should be able to login.” chief:” you Indian guys are amazing. Yes it works now. bye.”

observational gem : When you are chief you deal only with other chiefs. None higher none lower.

Arrested Development. Saturday morning 8 am. Your truly was happily hammered out on Friday night and is having cosmic orgasmic trippy dreams when the phone rings that special the empire strikes back ringtone. 30 minutes latter I am on a train headed towards the office dressed in a neck tie and a two piece suit. 

observational gem : If you are a single guy working for the chief. You Have to work on weekends as the unwritten clause in your employment agreement says ‘for the first few years of your working life you have no life’       

Asserting authority. Sometimes my escapist luck runs out and I get a chance for some one on one action with the chief. It’s like a nightmare playing out in real life with matrix like slow motion. The chief on seeing me clutching the notepad and vanilla folder holding on for dear life brings  on a devilish grin on his face. Scratches his bald head, drums his fingers and asks “ So intern what brings you here?” I muster courage and squeak out some incomprehensible words. His frown deepens. He puts his legs on top of the mahogany table and stretches them like he’s back from some long walk; adjusts his tie; draws up his pleated trousers and asks back “ You said what ? Anyways I am busy. Leave that folder on the desk I will look at it latter and I hope there are no accounting mistakes else I wont hesitate in firing your sick ass.”

observational gem: create an impression of power and all so that no one will smile at your pot belly or balding head.

Furniture. For most of the time all chiefs are hung up on who has the most expensive and color coordinated furniture. If one chief comes to know someone else has better furniture than him he will go to extreme ends like laying off a few people to buy more expensive wood. Furniture takes on a new dimension like its some extension of people dicks. 

observational gem: the higher your position the more polished your desk is.

Emails. If you have an inordinate subordinate who refuses to do a job for you make sure to include his bosses email address in the cc field. The work will be done. CC-ing is like the mafia. It works in strange and wonderful ways.   

observational gem: Don’t do mail blasts without a purpose or unless its a video of a dog pooping on a baby. Always spell check.

Appear Busy.  In the middle of a meeting the boss will get up suddenly with blackberry in hand like he got some confidential text on the benefits of eating fish,  step out and break wind.

observational gem:make it look cool.

Swear words. Only the boss can use the F-word freely and not flinch or say sorry for bad language. I get to see Ari Gold like curse word outburst every day.  

observational gem: epic power.

Slang/Proverbs. One particular chief uses a lot of yada yada yada in every sentence and  statistic. He’s too hung up on Calvin and Hobbes me thinks.  Another manager uses lots of slang/arcane movie references/proverbs. a few examples “the proof is in the pudding”  “lining up my ducks” “you really stuck it out din’t you ?” “ build and they will come”
observational gem:Thanks to the Iphone Wikipedia app  I am always in the loop.

Delegating. The Boss will never do even the most simplest of tasks when he has an assistant whom he can delegate it to. 
observational gem: The best way to escape delegation is to spend lots of time hunched in the loo  hoping no one comes looking.

Attire. The Chiefs are always dressed like Don Draper from Mad Men. The suit, the tie, the shoes, the belt all are perfect sync; the fact that only Don Draper  call carry that dress code is something that completely overshoots them.

observational gem: Invest in a Macy’s card for people to take you seriously.

Drinks. The best thing about working in a corporate is the free booze at sponsored events. Yours truly is a beer fan boy. The frothy liquid has a vice like grip over his throat.  But when you wander around bosses with a bottle of Budweiser in hand they give you dirty looks like you just landed from a fraternity dorm. All the big men drink gin and tonic and the big ladies cosmos.  

observational gem: switch to whiskey, at least. 

Take Credit. Irrespective of how big or small achievement a department makes the chief of that department will indulge in a show and tell at the monthly chief’s meeting with PowerPoint presentations and printed handout jazz. Just to ‘in your face’ the peers.

observational gem: Resume/ Operational Budget ballottement for dummies.

footnotes:

Observe and Report. To put it simply no matter how stoned the boss looks you have to compliment him on how good he looks with his new crew cut.

The no bs rule. The boss is boss for a particular reason: He can see straight through your bull shit no matter how well you dress it up like Russian salad.

Linkedin. Don’t add your current colleagues to your Linkedin network unless you want to draw flak for for your preposterous job titles and descriptions.

Email Signature. When you are in a temporary position always add a thank you to your signature along with the thanks for your consideration and time line. cleverly delete your phone number so that no one can call you back and shout at you.

Technology. MS-Office. Pdf-ing. Google Advanced searching.  Hands down these three skills are essential to survival in any environment and also for good remarks in your appraisal report.

Memos. Send them out regularly for no particular reason so that people can know how anal you are about regulation and next time delete it directly without opening.  

Sick Day. sick days are given for a reason so if you are lucky to get one and someone calls to check sound all sick and constipated even though you might be prancing in your balcony in lungi and sipping beer.

at the office annual party don’t do teen maar when the song says cha cha slide.

clock in. clock out. with out fail. else no pay.

Much more to type but ADHD is acting up again, time to watch futurama.