Disturbia

The apartment security guard buzzed her on the intercom. His tone was grave. “ Some drunk guy lying by the dumpster yellin out yer name miss. You better hurry before someone calls the cops on him. Says his name is Ryan.” “ I dunno any such guy.” “But miss, he says you know him very well”  “ damn..very well I am coming down there”  The migraine made a rather dramatic appearance as she took to the steps, running down three at a time. She uttered a few curses directed at the drunk stranger who had gotten ‘er outta the bed. As she neared the dumpster she saw a haggard sickly figure bent over in a pool of his own piss and vomit with his back turned to her. He lay panting on the asphalt too weak to move. Reluctant to go towards him she shouted out “ who is it ?” she waited for the guy to respond. He groaned and with great effort flattened himself on his back and turned his neck towards her. The face she saw was covered with a thick beard. “ It’s me Ryan.” A faint glow recollection began kaboom as it hit her who he was. Unable to contain herself she ran to him and scooped him in his arms. “Oh god ! Ryan! you poor thing, what have you done to yourself.”  With help from the guard she got him on to the elevator. Once inside her apartment he fell on the floor too drunk and stoned to move. With great effort she dragged him to the bathroom and put him in the shower. The cold water elicited angry abuses from him. But she managed to clean him up a little. He tumbled out and fell on the couch dripping and slipped into an instant slumber “ Ryan ! wake up ! what the hell is all this? What’s going on ?Where have you been all these years ? i thought you  were dead? What happened to you ? I need some fucking answers damit.” he opened his eyes a bit, the dull light from the night lamp making it easy for him to absorb the surroundings. “ Nice place ya’ve got here” “That’s not what I wanted to hear.  I need fucking answers.” A look of pity came over his face “ You look so old haha. Man! nine years sure is a long time to be gone. What did I miss ?” She stares at him impatiently as her head begins to go crazy with searing pain “ I was running around embracing my dark side. I did things I should never have done. I lost my way in the world.” “ But Ryan you were always the good one. Everyone’s favorite.  The comedian, the altruist the hope giver. What happened to you ? I always used to look up to you but then suddenly you disappeared without a  trace. For five years I searched for you and gave up all hope of finding you alive. Why did you go?” “ I wanted to find my inner voice. But my quest came up empty. Doing unmentionable deeds I thought I could provoke it to show itself. But turns out it’s one resilient bastard. It’s a lie this whole inner voice thing.” “ How did this whole inner voice thing begin in the first place because as far as I remember you were always about matters of the mind rather than those of the heart.” “ It’s a long story which I don’t have time to tell right now. I know I’ve put you through a lot of pain and suffering on my account. I’ll trouble you only one more time. Can you please get me a glass of water ?” As she walked towards the kitchen she heard a loud bang and ran back to the bedroom. He lay on the bed with his brains blown out.She shrieked and fell on the floor and began crying. A piece of paper rolled out from his hand and fell on the carpet. She grabbed it with both hands and began reading and crying. It was written in his neat handwriting “I wanted to see your pretty face for one last time.”

on code monkey

#codemonkey

RR is a disgruntled PHP coder. Our conversation opens with “ FML man. This PHP is an ocean that I can’t  cross in this life. ”

me: “ you know, last night I photo-shopped a donkey head onto a playmate.”

V is an student at Stanford pursuing a math program and she rants “ I just realized I am so damn good at coding and all. I should have picked a major in CS with a specialization  in coding. My BF’s already a code monkey in training, so I thought why make it a family of coders  and hence gave up  on coding”

me : “ the word code has already appeared five times in the past one minute.”

M is this true blue coder types but her current job duties don’t let her do that. She rants about the want for creative freedom.  “ The current nature of my job is monotonous and so unexciting for my  grey matter. I could train a monkey to do my job and It could do it flawlessly.

me: “ The image of a monkey hunched across a key board typing away to glory, sipping mountain dew/munching frito lays  is not so hard to imagine. Lol. So where was I, yeah,Sarah Jessica Parker looks gorgeous in the Sex and the City 2 because it was air brushed yada yada…”

Found this on a forum. In response to the question “Which programming language should I learn first?” - one user responds:

Depends.

To program in an expressive and powerful language: Python
To get a website up quickly: PHP
To mingle with programmers who call themselves “rockstars”: Ruby.
To really learn to program: C.
To achieve enlightenment: Scheme.
To feel depressed: SQL
To drop a chromosome: Microsoft Visual Basic
To get a guaranteed, mediocre, but well paying job writing financial applications in a cubicle under fluorescent lights: Java.
To do the same thing with certifications and letters after your name: C#
To achieve a magical sense of childlike wonder that you have a hard time differentiating from megalomania: Objective C

I could go on… but I’m not feeling hateful enough today.

P.S. The song ‘Code Monkey’ by Jonathan Coulton.

I am not that guy

Whenever I replace/takeover someone else’s position in an organization I am expected to merge seamlessly into my new role; do all the things the other guy used to do. And every time a task/deadline is missed I get blamed for no being as effective as the other guy. If all they wanted was a robot they could have very well picked some charlatan. If the old guy was so damn good you should have retained him; giving him pay hikes and all. More over since you’re supposed to follow orders to the dot, any creativity/innovation is frowned upon. But again if you’re tight lipped trying to browbeat all those suggestions of yours you’re blamed for being dumb and un- entrepreneurial.  “You don’t smile/socialize”, is a common insult I encounter everyday. “I don’t find anything worth being smug about”, I say.  When venting out blues to an over achieving pal he says “Why are you getting so worked up for ? Got a job na ? Just do it. Nut up or shut up.”  The under achieving pal says “ You have a job rite ? Be happy man don’t complain. Life on the bench is hell.” Trying to seek a middle way between these two extreme opinions is hard.  It’s like walking over a tight rope and juggling at the same time. And ADHD which doesn’t want to miss out on the fun, complicates matters just in time. When one person is talking to you blurting out instructions, the mind’s in la la land of its own chasing unicorns and storm troopers. So when instructions for  the task have been spoken out and I am asked “Got that?”  I slyly reply, “ Roger” To beat the blues daily just before I am to enter office I turn up Megadeth’s Iron Man and hit the flight of stairs. A lil bit of cardio is the only  bright spot in my day :D

On a different note :

So I was made in charge of this dead beat project. The liaison from the other department was pretty worked up as it was her first major event. So I get an email today saying “all the phone’s in our dept. are dead can you fix a meeting for me with that other guy from the other dept. ?”  I replied “ xxx is his number. Use your cell phone and call him.Bye” Little victories that leave me smiling :)  

in life, in death

My friend Vamsee recently had a terrible family tragedy. I grieve for his loss. He seems to me to have been shaken. Now let me tell you a little something about Vamsee. He’s sorta a mentor to me. When I was drowning in an ocean of sadness and bordering obsessive depression he threw me a line. He gave me perspective and enlightenment and set my mental faculties on track. I can’t comment on his current state of mind but one thing I can always vouch for, this man never flinched in the face of gut busting problems; when the rest of the sheep bleats out ‘ we are so fucked’ he would stand up in the front and always say ‘what the fuck is the big deal man!’. So, a beautiful poem he penned in the memory of his sister made me cry. It’s a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

when she cried,I cried too,and
all it did was to wet my tshirt
for, sisters always cry
for all the simple things
right?
who thought she had so much pain in her heart
until I read her diaries
to be read by others
after her demise
as she instructed
I see a natural philosopher
set of rules to live life
so that all that pain
never repeat again.
she lived alone
fought alone
died alone.
as she predicted.
found love,
a tad too late,
too short

I recently read ‘Buddha by Deepak Chopra’.Now that book’s not the I-Ching of world religions and I  may not have a perfect understanding of the tenets of Buddhism but what I understood to be the bottom line was ‘each of us is born free and have to be that way. All relationships/attachments/suffering are an evil veil of maaya that obstruct man from reaching his true potential; that of a Buddha.’ If God created us in an image of himself and HE himself gave us family, friends and all that jazz, I ask why ? If we were born to be free then why are we given these attachments? Not that I seek to detach myself and all. This is where my mind blanks out. Are you given so that it can be taken away some day ? Make hay while the sun shines, is it? Pain is mandatory, suffering is optional ? what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger ? What point is the creator trying to make ? Some one enlighten me PLEASE… If every day of your waking life is lived in fright of that one dreadful phone call where’s the zing in life ? I am guessing all my confusion stems  from being rigidly attached to the tenets of my orthodox upbringing i.e. Dharma. Wouldn’t it be just easy to put everything in terms of cause and effect, but that leaves out the miracles part and I believe in miracles damit.  Am I trying to comprehend knowledge that I am not prepared for yet ? or do I go atheist ? I need a metaphysical paradigm shift. As an educated person you’re always groomed to take an educated guess. But my education doesn’t allow me to guess. It’s either yes or not. Are you in or are you out types. A deal breaker, a gordian knot and what not. There are sometimes when I look up to the heavens and ask “ damn is this really happening to me ?” and sometimes it’s  “ wow ! this is happening to me” I deride for a moment, I thank in an another. Duality. Does this make me phony ? Being one thing and at the same time being another ? or is this the onset of early mental illness. Whom do you turn for advice when everyone you ask is trying to rub their ideas/ideals on to you ?  Why can’t things be left to self interpretation. But again how do we know if our self interpretation is  right unless we have something to compare it against ? look to nature for answers? I was born Intelligent, Education ruined me?  Some seek answers in the heavens, some seek answers from soul searching, I seek partly from both. Or is it that I choose whatever answers my current query the best ? Where are gurus  like Sri Ramakrishna Paramahansa who could answer with a straight face to a questioning Vivekananda “ Yes I have seen GOD.”  There are questions that must be asked without expecting easy and pleasing answers. Is the purpose of the human race only to be born, copulate, die? Is this the vision the architect of the man had ? If yes, then I don’t see why I am ranting up to this point. haha. good night.sleep tight.    

        Why did God command Abraham to sacrifice Isaac is a question that still baffles me ?

 “Why is god laughing ? May be because he gets the joke.” – comedian, Mickey Fellows 

“Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.” - Edward Blake/The Comedian/watchmen  

 

of love unsaid

Ryan’s had a 2 hr conversation on a long distance call and ponders over falling in love, all over again. Lol.  Some commitment whore this Ryan is. His story gives me idea for a script.

guy ‘kind of’ likes girl. girl ‘kind of’ likes guy. both hesitant to tell each other about the I like’s factor. the chemistry is ever present. love hormones going crazy on both ends of the line. guy doesn’t want to go first; girl doesn’t like being second. both die single. end of story.

In so many good relationships that could end is future matrimony, the commitment spark is ever present but is subdued due to external factors. Why don’t people learn from rom-com movies ? If you like it, put a ring on it bitch;rather than drink down sweet memories/moments with whiskey. sad. ha ha. Ryan and his tall tales I tell ya, crack me up. One confused guy he is.  Doesn’t want to commit to one thing but wants everything. Having the cake and eating it too.duh! Ryan Dude ! it’s ok to make a fool of yourself in love; if the person for whom you’re making  a jackass outta of yourself is worth it. Watch P.S. I love you; nut up or shut up, don’t drag me into your ‘i need commitment advice’ booby trap. I have a happy single life, I’m better that way. I’m Rick James bitch.  

on to a different topic, of my youthful looks and kiddo voice. So yea some dude way from school sees my pic on Fb calls me up latter.

“Bro you haven’t changed at all.”

“ (blush) yea my genetic composition baffles me” 

“you were 10 stone then you’re 20 stone now”

“acha. you too had tarzan like hair then, gandhi like hair now. pwned you”

“your voice hasn’t changed at all, the same raspy voice then and now. amazing how you do it.”

“hmm. thank you. remember that time i defeated you in that debate competition…”

“yea those were the days…silence” (pwned again. sid +2 hairless dude 0)

“ so you getting married and all ?”

“no man. wat’s the hurry.”

“I am getting married next month. My fiancée works in microsoft.” (hairless dude +3 for Microsoft)

“where do you work?”

“ I am between jobs” (fail. hairless dude –3)  

of spirit walks

After six marathon hours of reading while climbing stairs, travelling on the subway,in between tea breaks, during loo breaks, lunch breaks,crouching/bending/rolling over in foot numbing positions finally finished  ‘catcher in the rye’. A wonderful book is all i can say bout it.  It struck a chord. Wat’s with my reading choices these days every book I read I seem to like it. I’m some kind of a ‘falling head over heels in love with printed matter’ – whore. A good book is like a draining yet fulfilling  relationship, me thinks. Sucks a lot of mental faculties outta me.

I put the book down it’s way past 10 pm I’ve been in this butt crunching position since 6 pm.  Legs gone numb and refuse to budge. After tremendous mustering and wall holding pull myself up. experience blood flow resuming in the veins take a few steps to the front door and start running like forrest gump. stop after 0.2 miles huffing and puffing with heart beating, face going red and all. realize i’m wearing bata slippers and boxer shorts. instead or running back into the house continue walking. A cool breeze is blowing. The weather’s neither cold or warm;just perfect like lukewarm chai. So as I walk all these thoughts from the books keep bombarding me. They don’t seem to stop. Large Hardon collider in my head I say. Something Paulo Coelho said about fighting the second mind pops up in my head. Try to recollect all the accompanying jazz but memory blanks out. So I shout out aloud to the million thoughts vying for my attention ‘screw you guys I’m enjoying my walk’ As if by magic the mind turns into a sea of tranquility. Leaves seem to dance to the symphony of air, news papers fly about, traffic lights blink on and off, a few metal signs sway making clanking noises, neatly parked rows of cars, speeding cars, stopping cars, pass by the open window of my old room, the junta like always are huddled around a pc watching a movie laughing out aloud while taking mean bites out of their chapattis (some settings neva change, do they ?), discarded CRT monitors on the sidewalk, a pair of sneakers laced together and slung over the cable wires, a spotted cat crossing my way, smokers hanging around the deli store giving me seedy looks as I pass, that one stranger female whom I always keep running into while crossing roads. I just let these observations pass through my mind like water through porous clay. no mental sieve no judgments accepting people,things and nature as they are. Too much confusion arises when we try to discretize, like when I saw that CRT monitor on the sidewalk for a fraction of a second I began wondering about the physics behind it the crt tube, electron gun and all but gave up midway as it was too taxing on my scientifically challenged mind. Peace walk over, came home started cribbing with pal on how Ironman 2 sucks compared to Ironman 1.  FML. 

"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all.  Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me.  And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff.  What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.  That's all I do all day.  I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all.  I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."  ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 22, spoken by the character Holden Caulfield

p.s. ignore the improper placement of commas and all, like i said this piece wasn’t though out, it just wrote itself out :D

in my head

100 Voices | 1000 Ideas | 10000 Battles | A million questions.

“...there are words that must be said
and there are words that must be heard
and that they’re not as really quite absurd
and there’s a footstep in the clouds
and there is warmth in drops of rain
and there’s a meaning to the words i say
i need a voice now
come be my voice now
find me a voice now...”

- Voice By Pentagram