For some life is really easy and for some it’s really hard, but then there are a few like me who are on the borderline, hitting constant highs and lows all in the same day/time period. One moment I'm the prince and the very next the pauper. Bob Dylan’s Rolling stone’s been playing non-stop on my player.
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
So my head was feeling all puffed up and shit. Ransacked the refrigerator to grab a late night quickie. Milk in the carton had sunk to abysmal levels ruling out the possibility of some chai. In silence stirred up a concoction of dark black coffee. Sat on the kitchen shelf sipping the hot beverage letting out a muffled shriek on misjudging the temperature. lousy mechanical engineer. The kitchen shelf is a nice secluded spot giving you the advantage of jumping a intruder if he came through the front door. I sit by the window and watch outside as it rains rather heavily. Rain drops splattering on to the front porch making a nice little pool, a different time and a different place I would be sailing paper boats in it with the bro. Sitting by the window seems to put life in perspective. As the level of the black liquid in the cup goes down, the fluid levels in my bladder seems to shoot up at an alarming rate. Are my kidneys bailing on me ? I try to hold that thought and hold the pressure as I rush out for a smoke. And immediately run back in to pull up some knee length shorts on to my boxers. It’s friggin cold out there. For someone who’s the box been holed up in NYC for two years the temperatures down south should have been a blip on the radar, but alas; either the heat generating abilities of my bodies have cooled down or I’m clothed in my birthday suit. Even after securing the shorts around my constantly shape shifting waist I still feel cold as hell. I grab a nice floral pattern pink blanket that my mother bought for me in India, wear it like a ghoongat and step outside, trembling like a newly wed bride on her first night.
A peek into the crush box reveals just one cancer stick. Who’s been stealing my smokes god damit. Wait, no one else smokes in this dwelling place. Isn’t that the primary reason I’m an outcast here. I drink, I smoke and I talk, a lot. So either I’ve lost count of how many butts i’ve stamped out since morning or some one has genuinely been waylaying my stuff. I guess it’s the former. If cigarette butts were to be living things then I would be the pablo escobar of butt land. ha ha. butt land. sounds funny and has a nice ring to it. pot land, butt land all these lands seems to have some degree of curvature associated with them. Holding the many thoughts, and the ever increasing pressure I step out with the flip flops making the flip flop sound. ha ha flip flops some distant past memory of me from the Electronic Devices and circuits lab final viva flashes. The question, I don’t remember, the tongue tied feeling, I remember. There haven’t been many tongue tied moments in my life except for when being caught pants down watching porn, committing to relationships, the many viva’s in the four years of B.Tech, the recently concluded job interview and that one time at Subway when at the end of the sandwich collection counter my wallet suddenly disappeared. Yea, not many.
I sit on my bare bones metal chair with the rubber cushioning admiring my butt patterns from the previous seating an hour ago. Some work of art. Deep, well pressed and uniform. Feels like second skin. If I could have these butts for brains then i would be Einstein times Newton times Me. I flip open the crush box, draw out the last stick in a slow motion 300 like format. Flick the bic lighter, again in slow motion, at the point of contact between the stick and the nozzle of the lighter where a nice bright flame should have been came the dismal fart of a spark. Abandoned the slow motion and started flicking like a mad man. Just tiny sparks no substantial flame. And just like in the movies when the lady puts a cigarette in her mouth a bevy of hands appear out of no where (all of them want to sleep with the girl) to light it up a flame materialized before me and I was a happy man. It was Bob Gali ( i like to make up fancy names for people with otherwise long and boring south indian names, in this case a long cannot commit to memory types tamil name)
Bob Gali was like this tamil version of the dark knight (minus the raspy voice, the face mask and a checkered print lungi). He prowls the corridors of nicholson drive; a vigilante without a purpose. Many a times we end up borrowing smokes from each other.[The Bro code clause 3b : A bro who has at least one cigarette more than a fellow broke smoker bro is to share it with him irrespective of race, religion and creed] I raise my hands and acknowledging his kind and timely gesture as smoke flows from my nostrils. A few drags and Natasha Bedingfield can take me away to her secret place. Bob gali is looking tense today. Maybe he found some criminals prowling the lush green lawns of Nicholson at 3 am. I’m normally a very probing person (may this has something to do with the probe little green aliens gave me that one time) and when a person has this dead serious don’t fucking shit with me look on his face i end up breaking my water. I quiz him in talk show host format. I draw up my chair and sit facing him in. The advantage of being a little sinful healthy is that, when you obstruct people’s line of vision they have to see you and only you. You draw people into a single point focus yoga like state. So I start my soon to be rapid fire with an innocent question.
Sid: Dude that LSU vs Florida game sucked. That tebow guy, yada yada
The Dark Knight: ya man our guys fucked up both the offense and the defense. Our jocks should stop sleeping around with sorority girls for a while and get their game right yada, yada
sid : Why so serious ? You seem all pumped up and stuff like you just benched some hundred odd.
TDK: Just spoke to mom macha (i’m connecting with him) She started all this talk about marriage and stuff.
Sid: oh! that’s ok dude. Happens to us males all the times. This is just the beginning so no worries.
TDK: No man. She showed me pictures of some five girls and asking me to pick.
Sid: man! sure your mom is fast. She broaches the premise and produces photographic evidence, all in the same conversation (CSI guys take cue)
TDK: How old are you ?
Sid: some unimportant number.
TDk: You sure don’t look like some unimportant number.
Sid: what can I say, my ancestors used to worship hanuman, I am well endowed. And five quarts of ice cream per week can do wonders for flab growth.
TDk : I am three bat years ahead of some unimportant number. So I guess it’s time for me to build my bat cave and settle down. One of the girls in the pictures was hot wife material. WILF.
Sid: interesting. So what’s stopping you from taking the ultimate plunge into the strange wilderness ? crabs ?
TDK: I want a house wife types and all the pictures my mom showed was of working girls.
Sid: working girls will become house wives and not vice versa. working girls are kinda better. They work all day and work you in the night.
TDK: carnal pleasures aside, I want a wife who is supportive, understanding, and doesn’t goad me to quit smoking.
Sid: The third clause is plausible. Girls smoke.
TDk: I guess the IT background girls are better. Everyone who’s in IT wants to get out of it. Coding is more horrific than marriage. And IT girls can walk the walk and talk the talk.
Sid: So arranged marriage it is. No love and all.
TDk: No girl friend problem.
Sid: wats the status of I-got-the-job-i-still-din’t-get-my-opt-card
TDk: When I called the company today in the morning asking them if I could work without opt card they sounded all positive about the gang bang. Some HR guys calls me in the night and tells they now have NEW fucked up rules for international students and that without my opt card I will not be able to start employment. Some deep shit this whole thing is.
Sid: OPT card will arrive soon. USPS delivers on its promises, though late.
TDK: (working up a sad,heavy, i’m deeply thinking tone) Dude my life is not the life I wanted.
Sid:(using a seldom quoted, always misunderstood american expression) tell me about it.
TDK: I worked in TCS for three years before I came to the US. And in the US i got an intern at Intel. I interned for one year (and you made tons of money from what I hear) And those were the best days of my life (TDK and Bryan Adams ? !) There was never any work pressure [Intel reported third-quarter sales of $9.4 billion– down by more than $800 million from last year], no anal humping superiors, no glass ceiling, I was enjoying what i was doing (something related to microprocessors) and I genuinely thought i had found my true calling in life. Cut to now. This recession has gang raped the IT industry. I had to ultimately take up this coding job which holds no real charm for me. I’m more of a research guy. The things you have to do to pay the bills.
Sid: trying to blow smoke rings.
TDK: When you enter this country you dream of all the big things you can do (playboy, penthouse, hooters) you feel like finally a window of opportunity has opened whence you can take that constipated deuce you held inside for eternity.But US is good only for it’s citizens. We as non-immigrants have it very tough here. The moment you enter it’s like a number has been bar-coded on to your forehead and you are tracked every instant. We don’t have the freedom to pursue what we want because we have to maintain our status. fuck! (this one is one of those deep fucks. not the causal everyday fucks he uses)
Sid: (going all Buddha on the anguished soul) life is what happens when you are busy making plans for it.
TDK : fuck ~ (the milder fuck, reserved for unwanted advice)
Sid: Stamping out the cigarette. pablo escobar.
Sid : (laid back, legs crossed, minus the cat, feeling the floral pattern on the warped blanket like Don Vito Corleone) When you want something with all you heart the whole world conspires in getting you that. The Alchemist. True Story. So there is still hope in your story if you don’t drown in an abysmal pit of impotency.
TDK: oh yea.
Sid: In our parents youth they din’t have many choices for a career. They took up whatever came to them but always made sure that the family was secure. Our generation has been exposed to choices. Choices in everything, from the brand of underwear to the fat content of milk in your espresso. With choice comes uncertainty as a value added service. When we select a particular choice we are always thinking about what would have happened if we had picked the other choice. This is the essence of all confusion. This is Maya. And for further understanding of maya you should the previous entry on my blog.
TDK: true. Choice has spoiled us all. Even when my mother was showing me those photos I was visualizing myself beside each girl. I can’t seem to pick one. I feel like I want all four of them and many more. he he.
Sid:bloody polygamist.
Sid: Someday this recession will end and there will be a few major corporations that will dot the post financial apocalypse map. Corporations like Walmart, Amazon, Google, Apple, Microsoft etc. They will have the sole financial muscle to buy out competing organizations. If it is in their power they may even name planets after them.
TDK: yea I’ve also noticed this. But I always dreamed of working for google. When I cracked intel I felt google was within my reach.
Sid: explained this blogpost to him (http://stopdesign.com/archive/2009/03/20/goodbye-google.html)
TDK: oh I see. Was not aware of that. Did you listen to the songs of Vettaikkaran ? They are good.
Sid: I got to get back to watching Jhonny English.
I awoke with a start. I don’t know why this has been happening with me more regularly than before. I don’t remember when I slipped into a slumber. Was I dreaming before I woke up so suddenly ? I can’t remember. in fact I don’t seem to remember anything. It’s like a part of my memory has been wiped clean with some recursive algorithm. Wait. Am I fully awake ? I can just sense the angle of my torso change from 180 to 90. My eyelids are still shut; my breath is short and fast paced. I can’t seem to feel the weight of my body at all (amazed at the same time cuz i do have some considerable weight) The moth infested blanket is wrapped around me like a ghungat.I feel like I want to get up but I don’t seem to be able to. I feel weightless and heavy at the same time. I hover in this state for a few seconds or hours I can’t tell. Sense of time and place is non existent. I try to bring up a few thoughts to see if i am alive or dead but nothing’s impeding on my grey cells. Have I lost my memory, I wonder or am I human anymore ? Am I a ghost trapped in purgatory ?
I fail to realize that all these ideas of life and death are thoughts themselves. Do I need some physical activity to set the brain into motion so that once it is running it will automatically manufacture thoughts ? Am I a yogi whose kundalani has awoken ? I’m being further sucked into a vortex of questions that seem to appear out of now where and before I’ve had a time to latch on to them they disappear into a thought sucking black hole. Was I travelling through time and got stalled at some juncture from where I cant see forward or backward. And why is there no light anywhere only pitch dark. I can now sense a little beads of sweat breaking out on my forehead. I’m am aware that it is sweat and that it’s on my forehead. But how did this information suddenly appear out of the black ? Who or what is feeding me this info ? I’m thinking in hindi ,english, tamil and telugu at the same time. Energy seems to flow in and out of me in wavelets. Can I even fly now ? Have all my neurons been severed because I can’t seem to be feeling any physical movement and seem to be in a position not to induce any, though I am aware of my fingers and toes. It’s like I’m floating in a cryptless void; a spirit hovering above my own body. And I am thinking am I being born or brought into this world ? If yes, then i would be one helluva of a sinner destined to be punished for breaking some karmic law.
Slowly the sense of the world and it’s beings dawns upon me. Abruptly I’m in an aeroplane by the window seat. The captain announces we are approaching earth. I look outside. It is a beautiful sight. The big blue. I don’t remember where/when i boarded the flight. The plane runs into strong winds, there is plenty or turbulence. The plane is swaying wildly over the ocean and looks like it’s going to nose dive any moment. I feel shivers running through my body. Suddenly a trapdoor under my seat opens and I’m air borne on a magnificent throne with flapping wings. I enter a castle in the clouds. As the chair speeds along the corridor there are videos playing on the numerous televisions that line the wall. There are people in those movies : singing, dancing, crying, loving, fighting. And somehow each frame appears to be familiar to me. How do I know these people ? Did I have a past life on earth where I created and destroyed all these people ? who is feeding me all this visual information. And how can I see with my eyes closed shut ? The flying chair speeds out of the corridor into dark rainy clouds.
I can feel the rain now. I’m transformed into a five year old boy now. In some distant corner of my seemingly black mind a motherly voice tells me not to get wet in the rain as i will catch a cold. Whose voice is it ? Why does it convey so much love and fear at the same time? Fear and love are such powerful feelings that don’t seem to co-exist with each other. Each in awe of the other’s control on human existence. This is good progress. I’m processing thoughts now. The rain brings visual images of paper boats, hot food and that heavenly smell the dry earth emanates when rain water falls on it. So long did i try to bottle up that smell. Now i realize, nature didn't want me to trap one of her many beautiful creations just for my own greedy sake. Nature belonged to everyone. Only man could be foolish enough to try and claim it as his own and draw boundaries for it. Air, Water, Earth, Fire, Wind : Nature.
Everyone of who is born on earth may of may not have living parents but none realizes that nature is their first mother; who will be there for them now and time ad infinitum. The chair lands in a lush green meadow. I am surprised that I can remember the name of color as green and that it’s the color of the earth with life. My feet feel heavy as I step down from the throne. I can feel a deadweight attached to them that’s making them heavy. I make an action of flinging them off. And my feet are lighter. I feel the earth with my toes. The soft uncut blades of grass running through my feet give me a calming sensation. I don’t have eyes ; but i can see trough the earth. It’s like my feet are plugged into an earth information highway. I can feel everything that moves on it’s surface. Insects, animals, humans, bulldozers. Everything that moves on earth seems to have a distinct motion signature to it. I can feel people walking : light hearted, heavy hearted , no hearted. If I could learn the contortions of the earth maybe I could move it. Every mammal on earth instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with its surrounding environment, but us humans do not. We move to an area and we multiply, and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way we can survive is to spread to an another area.
I keep walking further. The sun has just risen over the green fields. It’s rays are a golden red. Intense and awe inspiring at the same time. I feel hot. I strip down and let the sun’s rays impede me and purify me. Every cell of my body has been rejuvenated. I feel like the most powerful man in the world. I gather my clothes and keep walking till the end of day.
I reach the sea coast. It’s tranquil and devoid of any human presence. Just a few sea gulls flapping around. The waves crash gently on to the rocks. It’s a full moon. A cool breeze runs as the waves move forward and backward. Is the moon causing the tides that move the waves ? Can an object so far away from earth have such a grip on it causing the water to sway according to it’s whims? If man could copy the way the moon achieves this he could control the waters. And also doesn’t this illustrate the vice like grip money,power and goals and have over us. A goal may be far away but with our sights firmly set on it we draw ourselves near to it. We walk the walk and talk the talk, as it wants us to, in order for us to get it. I jump into the ocean and start swimming towards what seems to be a whirlpool forming in the middle. I reach it’s periphery and get sucked into it.
I’m least bothered as to what’s gonna happen next. I find myself in a desert now. Hot winds are blowing and the sun is blazing down upon my naked back. I see huge towering pyramid like structures on the horizon. I wrap my shirt around my face and keep walking towards them. I’ve been walking for quite some time and yet I don’t seem to be getting anywhere near to the pyramids. And the sand around me seems to be shifting it’s position rather frequently. I’m exhausted. I sit down in the sand. I plough my hands into the fine sediment as it runs through my fingers and smoothly falling into a heap. I take a fistful of it and hold it upto the winds. And in a instant like a swooping vulture the wind blows it all away and I cant find a single grain in my hand. Wind is powerful. A very powerful force. Water may be tamed by dam-ing it, sun light by building greenhouses, fire by extinguishers, earth by quarrying it but wind can’t be tamed. Wind is energy in it’s restless form. It can go anywhere and everywhere. Absence of air is vacuum; absence of light is dark, absence of hot is cold, absence of life is/ is not death.
Life. How do we define life. Just because something is born, evolves over time and ultimately dies make it a living thing ? The fundamental law of thermodynamics states that the total energy of the universe is fixed and that energy can not be created or destroyed—only converted from one form to another. So if the whole life – birth cycle were a closed system then we are just moving from one body to another. I may be an Asian in one birth and a Caucasian or a donkey in the other. The body as we see it is just a receptor of this energy called soul. So much for my understanding of physics. I keep walking and reach an oasis. It has a beautiful watering hole in the middle. I greedily gulp down as much as my parched throat can hold.
Replenished I look around. I see a mendicant in long flowing orange robes sitting in an asana. I go to him and gently bow down to him and offer my obeisance. The guru is obviously is a great soul as I can see an aura of light surrounding him. He looks at me puts his hands on my forehead and tells me to open my eyes. I try to but I can’t. But how am I able to see all that is happening before me. He explains that all the while that I thought my eyes were shut they were infact wide open. I couldn’t just feel the physical sensation of them being open. But even with my eyes wide open I had been blind. And this blindness was not of the physical kind but rather of the spiritual kind. I was walking through life unnoticed. And all this was because there is a thin veneer that separates the spiritual from the physical and it is called MAYA.
Many a texts and many a life times have been spent studying and understanding the nature of maya. Maya is the limited, purely physical and mental reality in which your everyday consciousness has become entangled. Maya is a veiling of the true, unitary self , the cosmic spirit known as Brahman. Maya has two principal functions — one is to veil Brahman and obscure and conceal it from your consciousness. The other is to present and promulgate the material world and the veil of duality instead of Brahman. You have to pierce the veil of Maya in order to glimpse the transcendent truth. Consider an illusion of a rope being mistaken for a snake in the darkness. Just as this illusion gets destroyed when true knowledge of the rope is perceived, similarly, Maya gets destroyed for a person when they perceive Brahman with transcendental knowledge.
I ask him if I am ready for the transcendental knowledge to be revealed to me. He tells me that when the time is right I will be led to a master who will set me on the path to salvation, till then I have to be grounded to my 9-5 desk job in New York City.
I'm not an illusion anymore.I am real.
“ For that which we cannot see, feel, smell, touch, or understand, we do not believe. For this, we are merely fools walking on the grounds of great potential with no comprehension of what is” – old Buddhist saying
You may also be interested in
http://bonifisheii.blogspot.com/2009/02/hriday-aakash.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucid_dreaming
http://www.hinduyuva.org/tattva-blog/2008/06/maya/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini
Posts
All Comments
