Happy Ugadi :)

Virodhi Nama Samvatsara Subhakankshalu

Rose : Love

Love is like this beautiful rose you see in the glass display at a florist’s place. You like it instantly and in a spur of the moment purchasing decision, buy it. You take it to your home and place it in a prominent location where everyone can see it and admire it. A few days later it withers, shrivels and ultimately dies. It is then moved either to a trash can or stored between the pages of some old thick old moth infested  book. And that old place left vacant by the rose is either left abandoned or replaced by a new object of interest and a fleeting patronage.  

The other end of the line

A movie so heavily entrenched in clichés that you can cut through them with a paper knife.

P.S>  Shriya Saran is smoking hawtt !!!

Flushed Away. . .

It was the dead of the night. Ghastly silence was pervading all over.  He was neck deep into the unbelievable sexscapades of Trucker Max’s  ‘I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL’ and getting a slighty stiffy when the noob roommate comes running to him at an alarming pace shouting along the way  “Bro, Bro we have a problem bro”  He placates the trebled being with an assured smile and enquires of him the cause for the chakras of his body to disorient emnating a black aura. The noob looks at guru-awesome’s  cool and assuring smile and breaks down uncontrollably. Guru awesome places his strong hands assuringly on his shoulders in a un-gay fashion and pats him on the bum in a gay fashion and asks him to reveal the issue that has been piercing his soul like a poisoned thorn. 

“I was taking a dump and was almost done when the phone began to ring. I was in a hurry to answer the call so I miscalculated the amount of toilet paper and drew more than the prescribed quota for today  and I now have clogged the entire pot. It’s one huge titanic out there. Sob.Sob. Big sob. I am so totally fucked. The remaining guys are gonna gang bang me on this. Sob. Sob. Many sobs. I dont wanna be gang banged please save me.”

Guru- Awesome kicks ass in tight holed high pressure situations like this when the shit is gonna hit the floor if not he fan. He tells the young noob to get a bucket and a mop asap. They are gonna kick the shit outta this floating shit. The young noob in order to prove the loyalty to the cause rushes away almost immediately like a rocket with it’s ass on fire. Guru awesome treads towards the no man’s land. The place is a terrible land of (occasional)darkness, fear and stench, inhabited by little golden brown men and other evil liquid like creatures. High walls on three sides formed a nearly impenetrable defense around Pot land. Guru- Awesome is unfazed in the face of the impending struggle for he has a secret that he alone knows. Guru- Awesome is CAPTAIN FLUSH.

“ I AM CAPTAIN FLUSH ! And now this puny brown world will bow down to me! whichever loo  I go, the ethnic cleansing will follow! It's My turn to exact revenge on this sometimes-hard, sometimes-soft, uneven and unpleasant world! I cease to be Guru-Awesome and transforms into CAPTAIN FLUSH!” He is a member of The League of Flushers which has been a check against toilet blockage for thousands of years. They sacked Roman toilets, loaded trade ships with little brown men, burned lavatories in London  to the ground. Every time a toilet reaches the pinnacle of its decadence, they return to restore the balance.

He dresses in green in lieu with Barack Bhai green policy of reducing waste and creating more jobs. He wears the graduation badge from the world sewerage institute that bears sign of the holly sewer lid (four equal parts to represent cleanliness, reputation, effectiveness, termination)  and huge A in blue representing the toilet seat that gave him his life’s purpose. And that huge tail which was due to a genetic mutation in his bowels when a flooded pot has imploded underneath him. He held his weapon of unimaginable doom. The little brown men quivered at the sight of it.  The Universal Plunger; which he had won in the world loo conference defeating several other worthy opponents in multi tiered cleanup events . It had more attachments to it than the gadgets of all the James Bond movies put together. Old pot land saying “when the green man approaches there is no shitting around just flushing away.”  

The Noobs armed with a mop runs towards the treacherous territory like a foot solider ready to lay his life in the line of battle. But Captain Flush can’t risk revealing his true identity to the world yet. He Opens the doors in a sudden motion on to the forehead of the unsuspecting noob. And like a typical bollywood/tollywood movie villain's countless goons, is knocked out cold onto the hard wooden floor as a rat shrieks and runs under him. Captain Flush is relaxed now. he bolts the door from inside. He shouts the fiercest and the most colorful expletives to the little brown men. Working with the skill of a master who has been there and seen that he quickly stops the water flowing into the tank. And in the next instant with a net fishes out the rose embossed soiled paper. He starts pumping and humping the plunger. He goes at it with full gusto and vigor and the titanic is three fourth sunk already. Once the confetti is out of the way he can concentrate more clearly on the issue. Little brown men are firing darts at him from the sinking ship. He dodges them with the skill of Neo from the matrix. And in one final push sinks the ship like they say in old sailor lingo ‘hook, line and sinker’ The sound of the final flush removing all traces of the incident sounds to him like the thousand trumpets being blown by angels a heaven’s golden gates. He does a better job of cleaning up the crime scene than Samuel L. Jackson in the cleaner. He steps outside and transforms back to the always cool guru-awesome aand wakes up the noob. The noob is bedazzled. Guru – Awesome explains the ills of consuming phenol before work to him and sends him on his way to rehab and gets back to his book. The phone rings it’s special caller tone. It is high command calling. The caller on the line identifies himself and tells him that the next assignment is arriving in gmail and this new mission was gonna be tough because the  new guy not only blocked up pots , but has spread stench, clogged up pipelines and sewer terrorism. He has a  taste for the theatrical, just like captain flush and  leaves a calling card. The attached picture in the mail shows  *****

On a small screen far away a little brown man turns off his plasma screen.

little Brown man’s son : Captain Flush ? CFLUSH ! Why is he hiding , Dad?
little Brown man: Because we chase him.
little Brown man’s son: He didn't do anything wrong.
little Brown man: Because he's the hero that Pot Land deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll chase him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian of this world. A watchful controller. A pot knight.

 

P.S. This and this (watch at your own discretion and watch related videos of randy marsh in the final act) Inspired this shitty post. 

Y.A.P.S  The Awesome tag after Guru is proprietary of God – Awesome and which I copied without even asking him and I’m now guessing he’s already spinning crazy like shit that’s being flushed down.   

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

an excerpt from  In search of the miraculous By  P. D. Ouspensky, Marianne Williamson

In order to know the future it is necessary first to know the present in all its details, as well as to know the past. Today is what it is because yesterday was what it was. And if today is like yesterday, tomorrow will be like today. if you want tomorrow to be different, you must make today different. if today is simply a consequence of yesterday, tomorrow will be a consequence of today in exactly the same way. And if one has studied thoroughly what happened yesterday, the day before, a week ago, a year, ten years ago, one can say unmistakably what will and what will not happen tomorrow.  What happens or may happen to us may depend upon three causes : upon accident, upon fate, or upon our own will. Such as we are, we are almost wholly dependent upon accident. We can have no fate in the real sense of the word any more than we can have will. If we had will, then through this alone we should know the future, because we should then make our future, and make it such as we want it to be. If we had fate, we could also know the future, because fate corresponds to type. If the type is known, then its fate can be known, tat is, both past and the future. Today a man is one, tomorrow he is different : today one thing happens to him, tomorrow another. 

preview this book.

S.H.I.T. (SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING )

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. 

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Shhh…

Silence is the tortured mans revenge – Shantaram

As another uneventful day passes by as I lay down on the rug and close my eyes, with my head doing a balancing act on the unevenly air inflated pillow I’m thinking of a million things. Sleep refuses to set in. After a finite number of failed bullying tactics on the eyelids (like close or lord voldermont will come to get you types) they refuse to be beaten down and pop open kinda like the air filled punching toys I used to play with when I was young. No matter how hard I hit then they used to bounce back right up. So the eyes resist foreclosure. They scan the false white ceiling. The room is dark. The only light in the room is from the led lamps on the neighbor’s laptop. The white ceiling reminds of the celluloid screen of my life : past - over, present – uncertain,  future - unknown. I suddenly am aware of the eerie silence. There is awful lot of quiet around me. I strain my ears hard to pick up some noises as the silence is maddening. Recession induced over-thinking itself is crazy and to be in a calm serene noiseless environment is suicidal. Slowly faint but steady noises impede on my ear drums. aah what a  bliss. The ticking away of the table clock. The silent farts and the loud snores of the neighbors.The scampering of the house rat on the kitchen floor as it pillages the leftovers. The rustle of the leaves outside the window. The chemical reaction of bile and other digestive juices in the stomach. The foot stomping on the guys up stairs as one of them (I’m guessing it is the heavy one for sure) as he rushes to take a leak. The sound of the tank being flushed. The sound of sewage running in the overhead pipes.  The laptop fan running at full speed. The shzz sound made by yahoo messenger when someone logs in(which I guess is still running on the un-shutdown laptop.)  The dripping noise of the tap in the adjoining bathroom. Neighbors scratching bedbug attacked parts of the skin. Involuntary hand and leg movements under the covers. The creaking of the door. The rhythmic beating of the heart. The loud screeching noise made by a passing car. The periodic oscillations made by the portable heater. The sudden sleep talking of the neighbor.  

I am making a mental list of all these sounds when it dawns upon me that if I were to be locked up in a solitary confinement in a sound proof chamber and forced to listen to only the sound of a ticking clock I would certainly go crazy. This thought alone is enough for me to crash immediately :D

p.s. finished Shantaram after a 12 hour reading marathon. The book is delightful and gripping. And this blog has entered the third year of it’s existence ;)  

six word stories

check this out. Took me down; hook, line and sinker.